Hate Me
by speedmonkey
Summary: Sometimes you don't think your demons can hurt the one you love until its to late. Then you have no way for making up for what you did. SC Please read and review


**Authors Note: I was sitting in choir the other day and this song just popped into my head and then the talleigh ideas just started flowin. So I thought I better right this before I forget where I want to go with it lol.**

**Author's Note 2: I just wanted to give a shout out to Speedle'sgirl22 for telling me that this story wasn't complete and utter crap and then I should post it anyways!**

**Title: Hate Me**

**Spoilers: None. But if you want to get techincal and believe that Speed is dead then before Lost Son.**

**Pairings: Speed and Calleigh**

**One Shot**

**Disclaimer: I own no one, except for maybe any one you do not recognize in this story. Everyone else belongs to the people at CBS.**

**Disclaimer 2: I don't own the song used either. That would be "Hate Me" by Blue October. I also didn't use all of the lyrics, seeing as some of the lines don't really go with the story. lol.**

_I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head  
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone_

_There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain_

_An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?  
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?  
And will you never try to reach me?  
It is I that wanted space_

You used to rub my back as I suffered from a hang over. You used to tell Horatio every excuse under the sun on why I wasn't at work that day. That I wasn't feeling well. But in truth I was nursing a hang over. The pain, the emptyness, the effects of the job just became to much for me and I couldn't take it anymore. I know running to alcohol is the wrong thing to do but I couldn't help it. It was like candy to a baby, it became addicting. Just like when a parent says "No candy before dinner. It'll ruin your dinner." I knew that alcohol would ruin my life...I knew that...well I know that now for sure. But I never thought that this would happen. Sure in a way this isn't my fault. I wasn't driving the car that hit you, but in a way I feel like I was the one that hit your car head on. I feel like I was the one who killed you. After all you can't really tell the difference between one drunk driver and the next.

I ran you down. I practically crushed your very soul. You'd go to work for 12 hours and then come home and take care of me. Sometimes I asked myself why you stayed. Sometimes I wondered why you didn't hate me. I remember you laid me down in bed and covered me up with a blanket, "Get some sleep sweetie." you said softly. You go to turn away and the light caught your wedding ring, sending a glare into my eyes which makes me wince.

"Do you hate me?" I asked softly.

You turned around, sighed, and sat down at the edge of our bed, "No." you said simply. "No baby I don't you. I could never hate you."

I sighed heavily, "Even if i'm a dead beat?" I asked sadly.

_Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you_

You didn't say anything, you didn't get mad, you didn't get upset. You just laid down on your side of the bed, scootched over to my side and kissed me deeply. I didn't know what to do about this, the passion in our marriage had died along time ago. But some where in between your lips on mine and your hands all over my chest, I knew what to do. I placed my hand on your cheek and brought you as close to me as I possibley could. Because you were the only real thing in my life. You kept me going. And even if your not here right now, lying next to me I still know that your there. Protecting me like you always did.

_Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you_

I think I wanted you to hate me. Maybe if you hated me then you'd finally do whats right and leave. I only ever wanted the best for you. Ever since I put that ring on your finger. But no matter how much I drank, no matter how many hours of work I missed, no matter which important event I missed, and no matter if I was there for you or not, you'd never hate me. I asked myself why all the time. Why couldn't you hate me. That's all I wanted, because if you hated me then you'd have no reason to stay, so I kept drinking hoping that you'd leave so you could see whats better for you. But you never did, atleast not the way you attended to.

_I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with  
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again  
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night  
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight  
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate  
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take  
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind  
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind_

Since the moment Horatio called me down to Biscayne I haven't touched a drop of alochol, not even a beer. Its been 3 months. And I'm sober. Now I only wish that you were here with me. So maybe now you could be proud of me. You said you didn't hate me, but a part of me knows that you were atleast a little ashamed. Maybe you felt like you did something wrong, that you weren't doing your wifley duties. But you could never do anything wrong. Never, no matter what you tried you were to perfect.

_Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you_

Hate me in ways  
Yeah ways hard to swallow  
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I got out of the car and quickly walked over to Horatio, I hadn't had anything to drink all day so I was safe to drive. I looked around the scene and saw Calleigh's car smashed into a tree and some guy standing with a patrol cop off to my left, touching his nose. I shrugged it off and turned back to Horatio, "I'm sorry Speed." was all he had said.

I looked at him for a second, seeing the tone in his eyes instead of his voice. I looked over to my right and saw the coroner van, something I didn't see on my way in. I saw Alexx look up and hold up her hand so that the haulers would stop moving the gurnee. I swallowed hard and walked over to you. I looked at Alexx for a brief second and then the haulers and Alexx walked away. I saw Delko get out of his Hummer and Frank walk up to Horatio and then I looked back down. I brought the white cloth down off your face and thought I'd lose it right there. You had blood down the side of your face and shards of glass was all over your shirt. You had blood running down your arm and your favorite shirt. I gripped the side of your gurnee and brushed your hair back gently, and then something inside of me snapped. I looked up and whirled around, I knew how you had died. It wasn't just a simple car accident, it was a drunk driving accident. I started to walk towards the man who I saw touching his nose earlier and Delko and Horatio, even Frank must have saw the look of pure hatred on my face because they came rushing towards me and held me back. I shrugged them off, took one last look at you and got back in my car.

_And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave  
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made  
And like a baby boy I never was a man  
Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand  
_

I'm not sure how long I drove or actually where I drove to. I heared my cell phone ring and I flipped it open I saw "H" clearly displayed on the caller i.d and threw my phone out the window. I didn't feel like talking, atleast not to anyone but you. In a way I feel responsible. I know I wasn't the one drinking and driving that night, but I could have been. You kept me inside the house, blocked off the door when I tried to leave, stayed up all night watching me making sure I didn't leave the bedroom. I can still feel your arms wrapped around me from that first night in a long time that we had spent together. I can still smell your strawberry shampoo, your coconut body wash and your Pure Seduction body spray. I swear you smelt better then anyone I ever knew in my life. Again, I know its not my fault why you died but in some sick way I feel like I was driving the car that killed you. Maybe not physically but emotionally.

_Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you_

The theripast and the AAA advisor said it might be a good idea if I write down my feelings, I thought that it was idiotic at first but once I started I couldn't stop. I had to say good bye some way, somehow. I know you can't hear me right now but in a way I feel like your still watching over me. I just want you to know that even through the alocholic daze I still loved you. I always have and I always will. I'm sorry for hurting you, which I know I did but if you were here you'd denie it. I'm just sorry.

Tim

_Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you_

Hate me in ways  
Yeah ways hard to swallow  
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you


End file.
